ESHAN SPEAKS: IDENTITY CRISIS

 

Who am I? The one question that constantly haunts me. I often find myself in deep thought asking myself questions I have not yet figured out the answers to. Why am I here? What am I supposed to do? Since my childhood, I have never felt like I really belonged anywhere. I’ve never thought myself to be a part of something, not a member of a group, not a participant in a movement. Nothing has ever impacted myself enough for me to want it to stay. I realise this is the reason I am so quick to dismiss people and friendships.

I stand in crowded places feeling so alone, I sit with a group of friends and wonder if they like me. Do they care about me? If I disappeared for a while would that impact them? I’ve often tested this theory and each time I’ve felt like they failed, but I guess everyone fails at tests they don’t know they’re taking.

In school were never actually taught about our self-identity, we’re asked who we want to be, what we want to do, where we want to go. We’re never asked who we are? What kind of person we aspire to be? What are we put on this earth to do? These are things I’ve always asked myself, the reason I keep changing my goals and aspirations. Once I realised there was a difference between who I want to be and who I’m supposed to be, everything shifted.

Yet still I struggle to find my place in the world, there is not a group of people that I closely identify with. Is it a shame that the only time I felt understood was when reading the results of my personality test? The only time I was ever able to understand who I am was when I read the definition of an INFJ. It was as if the fact that my personality accounts for only 1% of the entire population made up for the mask I feel I am constantly wearing. That sort of uniqueness helped me reconcile with the fact that my friendships lack open and honest conversations about me.

People often see the phrase ‘finding myself’ as a cop-out for commitment, but self-realisation is important for self-growth. If you don’t know who you are, you won’t know what to aspire to. The hard part lies in deciding whether to go on your self-realisation journey alone or to include people in your growth. At certain points I let people see who I am at present, and in certain moments I feel no one deserves my vulnerability. I find myself mirroring the actions of those around me, it’s as if my mind is copying everyone else in search of the person it wants to be.

I guess the point of all this is to remind you, when you feel alone in the world, and you’re struggling to place yourself, you are part of a community of people who feel the same way. You are the most important person in your life, feed your soul, stand firm in your convictions and find your identity. If you know who you are and who you want to be, no one can take that away from you. Impact lives, aspire people. Be who you’re destined to be. Become your own strong, brave and inspirational person. That is where your happiness will begin.

Inspire. Motivate. Empower.

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